A six-month slice of life in Forest Grove, OR 97116. From Oregonlive. The author is Ken Centers.
5/20: A man contacted police after finding a suspicious black plastic bag with something inside it. Officers determined it contained air.
5/26: A citizen out for a walk overheard a woman tell a man in Spanish that she was having a heart attack and was bleeding from the gut. The citizen heard the man reply in Spanish that they did not have insurance and he needed to finish the job he was working. Officers checked on the two subjects and both stated they were fine. The woman denied suffering any medical problems and appeared fine. They also had health insurance. The citizen who reported this acknowledged not being fluent in the Spanish language.
6/1: An employee at McDonalds called police reporting that the female drivers of two vehicles in the drive-through were about to fight. Officers arrived to find one driver intoxicated. While there, officers were told of another extremely intoxicated woman in another part of the parking lot. While dealing with her, the officer was nearly hit by yet another vehicle in the drive-thru being driven by a woman who was also extremely intoxicated. Oregon State Police assisted with the multiple incidents in the lot. Two women were arrested for DUII and a third was taken to detox.
6/11: A man called police to assist in retrieving his children’s soccer ball that ended up in a neighbor’s yard. The neighbor threatened to sue the man if it happens again and the neighbor’s chickens get harmed.
6/21: Officers responded to Bi-Mart to assist with a woman having medical issues in the parking lot after she accidentally crushed a large can of “Bear Spray” with her electric seat.
6/27: A woman called police after finding a 4-foot snake curled up in the grill of her pickup. She didn’t know what to do. An officer was able to remove the snake without harming it and is caring for it.
7/13: Officers responded to a call of a smelly meth lab that turned out to be a skunk.
7/21: Officers checked on a man who was yelling in Joseph Gale Park. It was a subject well known to police, who was often called in for yelling things. The man said he was upset because his boss failed to pick him up for work. He promised officers he would go the entire week without yelling.
7/29: A man called police concerned about bikini baristas at a coffee stand wearing very little clothing. He was quoted as specifically telling the dispatcher that he "did not want that to be the first rack his kids see."
8/12: An avid gamer and web master of "Minecraft" called police after someone leaked his home address on the game site and now people were sending him pizzas.
8/14: Officers responded to a domestic disturbance over reported drug use. A man at the residence was high on methamphetamine and was convinced that he was African American, which was not his true ethnicity. He also demanded officers buy him cigarettes, which the officers declined. The man later entered a convenience store to buy cigarettes and left his cell phone for payment, since he had no money. The man was arrested for theft. He later went to his apartment and destroyed everything inside including the toilet, a fish tank, the windows and any object he could find.
8/19: The plan to invite another woman into a three-way sexual encounter with a Forest Gale Heights couple turned violent after a volatile disagreement over the arrangement. The disagreement became physical and the man fled the scene prior to police arriving. A police dog tracked the subject for more than two miles. An officer received minor injuries in a fall during the pursuit. The man was apprehended on 17th Avenue. Officers seized a small quantity of cocaine during the investigation and both the couple were arrested and lodged at the Washington County Jail. Police learned the man was upset with proposed arrangement because he had to get up early for work the next morning.
9/27: Tenants of a group home on Main Street called police after getting upset with a resident who was yelling and screaming inside his room. Officers contacted the man who explained that he was only speaking to the "National Air Commander" and agreed to keep it down. Police do not believe that any national authorities were actually contacted.
10/5: The 7-11 store called police after a man in a chicken suit entered the store then left. The question of why the chicken entered the store was never answered as officers were unable to locate him after an area check. Police could not determine that any crime was committed.
10/7: A woman called police after finding a bag of muddy shoes left at her front door. The woman said she was told that this was a message from a drug dealer.
10/10: A man called police to let them know he accidentally dialed a wrong number. He just wanted police to be aware of it.
10/19: Officers were dispatched to an incomplete 9-1-1 call from a cell phone on Pacific Avenue. The dispatcher could hear what sounded like a woman crying. It was determined that the emergency button on the phone was inadvertently pressed while a couple was having sex on the couch.
10/30: A woman on Ash Street called to report that an unknown person had dumped two leather couches outside her residence. When officers arrived, the couches were gone but a rotisserie chicken was hanging on the doorknob of the residence. There are no suspects.
11/5: A man on Pacific Avenue reported that a pair of pants was stolen from his locked bedroom. Oddly enough, another pair of pants went missing in September as well. There are no suspects in either case.
11/12: A concerned citizen called after finding a dead squirrel near a vehicle tire. The citizen believes corrupt church members may have placed the squirrel there intentionally.
11/22: Officers assisted the sheriff's office outside of the city limits on a report of a cougar that had attacked a dog. The homeowner reported that he had the cougar trapped. The trapped animal turned out to be a raccoon, not a cougar.
11/30: Officers responded to a hit and run near Pacific Avenue and Yew Street. A woman later returned to the scene and explained that she got scared and drove home before coming back. A witness however, reported that the woman was not the one driving. Faced with this fact, the woman revealed she was covering for her daughter. The witnessed further reported, however that the driver was actually a male. Police learned the daughter was covering for a male friend who was actually driving. He was arrested on suspicion of a hit and run.
12/24: A woman reported people coming into her house for years, and wanted advice on how to keep them out by perhaps using "electronic voodoo". She was advised against it.
Our first one today comes from Flickr. I was perusing photos of classic Hollywood stars, and came across this cheerful-cowpoke picture of Randolph Scott that, with a little color, turned into our old friend, Artie Choke, from Firesign's We're All Bozos on this Bus. "You keep it sweet, Beet!"
